This. This is the time of year – the weeks before the gifting holidays – when I turn into an anxious shopaholic. I spend troubled hours each night combing the lower-case I internet, looking for gifts for my loved ones.
Most of the gift guides I’ll find are inspiration for a non-exorbitant personalized version, to be purchased from Etsy. Which is why I like to peruse the more extravagant guides. Also, I blame most gift guides for trying to convince me that all men in the world are either Executives or Lumberjacks when there isn’t a single man in my life who fits either of those categories. KEEP YOUR EMBOSSED LEATHER TOILETRY BAGS AND HOME BEER BREWING KITS TO YOURSELF.
So here is my gift to you: my own gift guide. Unlike the one I made for HEAUXS, these are not all-purpose gifts. These are highly specific artifacts that fit my aesthetic. That’s really the only thing uniting these items.
A Millennial, Jewish and Pop Culture Gift Guide
Schitt’s Creek lives on in our hearts. In case you were wondering, I am the David Rose of this family, and if I ever open a general store I better see my branding ALL OVER you.
What’s the Jewish word for ratchet? פרכי (pr: frechi)? I fully endorse Oy Vey as the motto for 2020 and all it brought us. Shout it from your earlobes: nobody asked for ANY OF THIS.
My obsession with usable art continues. The clean lines; the wanderlust this evokes. Is it weird that I want to travel to a Post-it block?
YES YES YOUR P&P MINISERIES IS *THE BEST VERSION* EVER. I don’t care. MY favorite Pride and Prejudice adaptation is the 2005 version with Keira Knightley, because it’s the most romantic and the prettiest and has great music and makes me feel things in my cold heart. This bust of Mr. Darcy plays a weird but poignant role just before the real Mr. Darcy shows up because duh, she’s wandering around his house museum, why did she trust anyone who said he wasn’t home.
We’re all princesses and queens and kings etc. but sometimes we need a little reminder. This is as close as I can get to finding a knockoff Fabergé egg that actually has some use other than “looking like a cheap version of a priceless item.” Actually, this Marchesa dress that my friend considered wearing to her daughter’s wedding would DEFINITELY make me look like a Fabergé egg, so if you find a knockoff of THAT, PLEASE hit me up.
I want to be a British lady sitting at her vanity in a dressing gown with full hair and makeup holding an antique hairbrush and mirror set. But since an antique hairbrush is ew and the modern copies are cheap, this marble one is perfect for both vanity purposes and dramatic speeches to people in my boudoir.
Like all the Lego sets I’ve ever chalashed over, I want to build this and then never see it again. Am I the only one who finds pre-structured, intricate, useless crafts totally relaxing? THERE ARE NO DOLLS WITH IT WHAT DO YOU NEED IT FOR. But who am I to say no to flights of fancy and whimsy.
Fortune Queens: Drag Race Tarot Deck (preorder)
To know me is to know that I can’t shut up about RuPaul’s Drag Race during a season. Even the villains and the queens I don’t enjoy are worthy of praise – the amount of talent required even to appear on a season is astronomical, between the makeup skills, the wig skills, the sewing skills … and those are only the things you can prepare ahead of time. The performance skills vary from dance skills to comedic timing to just plain “having charisma.”
This ingenious combination of iconic Drag Race moments with a traditional tarot deck is both beautiful and functional, the golden mean for a good gift.
How is this such a thought-out T-SHIRT? It’s a Golem reference?? About our own anger??? Okay, so maybe I wouldn’t have understood that without this banger of a description. And also I’m writing about Golems right now, so maybe I’m biased. Also my friend tells me I fetishize anger, which, fair. All that aside:
Emet means truth, it is written across the forehead of the Golem, a creature from Jewish Folklore animated to protect the Jewish people. However, Golems are notorious for getting confused, and often end up going on a rampage. The Golem is then deactivated by rubbing out the aleph so that it reads “Met” or death.
To me the Golem represents anger — specifically the anger of someone who has been deeply hurt. I am a strong proponent of the idea that anger serves a purpose, and we (as a society) tend to villainize it in a way that is the opposite of useful — however I am also well aware of how quickly anger can change from an impulse to protect oneself to a murderous rage. I think the problem is that we are not filling our anger/pain with enough attentiveness.
The smudged Aleph represents a choice …
I love this artist, whose specialty is floor plan illustrations of beautiful houses/apartments/hotel rooms from different movies. Unfortunately, they aren’t always recognizable from a bird’s-eye view, but thanks to that great scene with the father trying to park the car in the narrow car port in Roma, you’ll likely be able to identify this one. I’m always on the lookout for ways to “commemorate” a good piece of visual art, like 3D prints of the keys from The Magicians or a press kit off eBay.
A little bit of modern fantasy + a little bit of design love = an illustrated calendar of the modern royals’ wedding gowns. I mean, none of them are Adam Zohar’s Melissa A-Line Gown, but they all have their unique charms. My friend wore a tiara like Princess Eugenie’s to her wedding and I AM OBSESSED.
Who am I kidding. This list is an artifact in itself. Happy almost holidays!