A Love Overboard Rant

Here be spoilers and mature content!

So there’s this show called Love Overboard on Hulu and it’s your typical hot people dating show except it’s on a yacht and some of them have to serve the others and sometimes you have to walk the plank and whatever, there’s this guy David and he’s been with this girl Lo since the beginning and Lo thinks they’re getting married like next week but David has lowkey told his buddy that they don’t really have sexual chemistry but Lo DOESN’T KNOW THAT and then a week in, this other girl Val shows up and she’s straight up David’s type because he LIKES A LOT OF PLASTIC and she keeps saying that David is her type to a T.

Instead of being cool, Lo tries to piss all over him and claim her territory and David is not into this (he tells her MUCH later) and he’s clearly into Val and then Val pulls him for a talk while Lo is in the bathroom and when Lo finds them talking she goes a little crazy, so after Val leaves, instead of David being like, “Hey, I’m not sure we’re sexually compatible” or “Hey, I’m interested in seeing if Val and I have something special” David ASKS LO TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND and then the next day Val asks him on a date and HE SAYS YES! WITHOUT TALKING TO LO FIRST!! and apparently he thought that he and Val would just be talking on said date, to which the producers gave a maniacal laugh and twiddled their thumbs mischievously and put them in a spa where they gave each other massages with honey and oil and slapped each other’s backs with a cactus plant and as soon as David lay a hand on Val’s butt I was like, yeah, this dude is screwed. And then they do stuff “off camera” but the sound isn’t cut and when they come back to the yacht David doesn’t or isn’t allowed to talk to Lo, we just go straight to the Plank Ceremony where the two ladies are supposed to stand on a plank while he makes his decision about who should go overboard.

And. then. David. makes. them. stand. there. for. 45. minutes. FORTY-FIVE MINUTES!!!!! And he stills chickens out of telling Lo why they weren’t working out!!!!!!!! Instead he says her brother and her dad would be watching the show and she’d be mad at him for what he did on his date with Val!!!!!!!! And she very validly says that’s not a good enough reason for either woman for him to choose Val, and I can’t believe David is so weak that he’s making me sympathize with someone (Lo) who was so territorial that she bitched about having to pack her stuff before the Plank Ceremony because she wouldn’t be going home and how she shouldn’t have to cover her beautiful dress with a life jacket because she wouldn’t be dropped in the water and it just goes to show how being a Nice Guy isn’t enough if you don’t have the balls to clue your partner into your hesitations and concerns and just let them think that everything is fine and dandy and you want her to have your babies because she don’t know enough of your brain to know to ask what’s wrong so you never tell them what’s wrong and then he chooses to keep Val because he just can’t handle the guilt of cheating on Lo and the boat erupts and some of the other contestants yell at him and he’s all eaten up inside but not enough to keep Lo so he starts a relationship with Val.

Anyhow the next day all of the exiled contestants come back for a party and the conversation David has with Lo isn’t very interesting other than the fact that he FINALLY tries to tell her what wasn’t working between them, except she isn’t interested in hearing that, she wants to hear about the date because she already heard about it from her friends and she masochistically wants to hear him say it and she also slut shames Val while she’s there and then she disappears and I feel bad for her but not as much as I feel bad for Val.

And then, AND THEN, we find out that both David and Val have cheated in past relationships!!!!! And I’m not saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” but I do think that it’s a very human thing to be tempted and that if you give in once it’s a lot easier to give in again and that maybe monogamy just isn’t right for these two particular humans, especially since after coming in second for the grand prize it looks like they’ve broken up over something something dishonesty.

Will I remember this show in a year?

No.

But hopefully this record will remind me of the absolutely absurd, crazy shit this man did and remind me of how lucky I am to not have to deal with dating anymore.

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If this rant piqued your interest, perhaps you’d be interested in Here For All the Reasons: Why We Watch The Bachelor! It’s an anthology that includes an essay I wrote, coming out next month!!